


New Hope

by Kuroi_Inanis



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Character Death, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-23
Updated: 2014-05-23
Packaged: 2018-01-26 06:21:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1677947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kuroi_Inanis/pseuds/Kuroi_Inanis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the wake of the death of his Squad, Levi quietly struggles to come to terms with his loss. A letter left by one of the dead, and an unexpected act of kindness in a makeshift graveyard, both serve to start a change within him that will eventually alter the relationship he shares with his young charge. Three-shot fanfiction.</p>
            </blockquote>





	New Hope

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Don’t own SNK, so don’t sue. You won’t get much from me. Loosely inspired by the song ‘A New Hope’ by Broken Iris. Lyrics available below. Highly suggest listening to their music. I don’t own that either, by the way.
> 
> This is my first SNK fanfiction based off of the happenings in the series. I haven’t read much of the manga, so most of my knowledge comes from the series itself. Criticism is fine, but try to be constructive with it.
> 
> Massive, MASSIVE thanks to my beta reader, AlternateFiction! Without her help and knowledge of this wonderful series, this fanfiction never would have known the warm, loving embrace of the internet and its plethora of SNK fans.
> 
> ***  
> A New Hope  
> Broken Iris
> 
> To your grave I spoke,  
> Holding a red,  
> Red rose.  
> Gust of freezing cold air,  
> Whispers to me,  
> That you are gone.
> 
> Always asking the question,  
> Why life is overrated.  
> But I never,  
> Never expected that I'd,  
> Underestimated my love for you.
> 
> To your grave I spoke,  
> Holding a red,  
> Red rose.  
> Gust of freezing cold air,  
> Whispers to me,  
> That you are gone.
> 
> Always,  
> Always just out of reach from my,  
> Over frustrated,  
> Shameful hands.  
> And I never,  
> Never expected that I would ever,  
> No never take for granted your precious time.
> 
> To your grave I spoke,  
> Holding a red,  
> Red rose.  
> Gust of freezing cold air,  
> Whispers to me,  
> You're gone.
> 
> Spent a lifetime of holding on,  
> Just to let go.  
> I guess I'll spend another lifetime,  
> Searching for a new hope.
> 
> To your grave I spoke,  
> Holding a red,  
> Red rose.  
> Gust of freezing cold air,  
> Whispers to me,  
> You're gone.
> 
> Spent a lifetime of holding on,  
> Just to let go.  
> I guess I'll spend another lifetime,  
> Searching for a new hope.
> 
> A New Hope (X4)
> 
> ***

** New Hope **

** A LeviXEren Fanfiction **

** By Kuroi Inanis **

* * *

 

One thing that Levi had always had an issue with was that there were no graveyards inside the walls.

On a completely practical level, he understood the rationale behind it. This was humanity’s last stronghold, the last place it could call its own. They had to use every square inch carefully, to the point at which the buildings were all constructed to be tall rather than wide and the bedrooms designed to be small but comfortable. All these measures meant they could fit more people into a smaller area, leaving room for the precious commodity of extra land for crops and animals. Additionally, making coffins used up trees that were better applied towards heating in the winter months and building new homes and buildings. Then, of course, there was the ever-present fear that the bodies would somehow decompose through the wood of their final resting place and leech poison and infection into the ground, becoming a toxin that would kill the crops and render the water undrinkable. It was a fear that was mostly unfounded, but fear was a dominating force in humanity’s life, and one that had to be obeyed no matter how ridiculous it was at times.

When they brought the bodies home after every single failed battle, it was only so the families could gather around the large bonfires built in the center of each district and say their final goodbyes. This was the chance granted to them to grieve as they watched their loved ones become nothing more than ash on a passing breeze. The same treatment was afforded to each and every citizen, no matter their economic class or their surname. They all became the same in death, and that somehow allowed them all to respect each other just a little more in life. There were still class divisions. The title of ‘more important’ still danced on people’s lips, as it always had and it doubtlessly always would. Now, however, it was a hushed whisper rather than a scream, and it gave an illusion of peace that was thankfully welcomed.

All that did not change the fact that Levi, as a human being, hated the fact that there were no graveyards. It meant that there was nowhere to visit when a person wanted the chance to speak to the dead. If the body of a comrade had to be abandoned, it made it even more painful, the reason notwithstanding. They were out there somewhere, beyond the walls, their remains decomposing in Titan Country. They would never be laid to rest, but instead decompose and become part of the land that was no longer humanity’s to dominate.

It made him sick to think about.

Petra was out there somewhere, her corpse abandoned in favor of saving those that were still alive. They were all out there; Eld, Gunther, Oluo… all four of them had not only given their lives to protect Eren Jaeger, but had then unwittingly sacrificed their chance at a proper ‘funeral’ to ensure the continued existence of the living. Levi knew any one of them would be honored to concede peace in the afterlife to ensure their comrades were spared death, but it did not make the blow any easier to take. He had hand-selected all of them, as much for their eclectic personalities as for their skills in combat. Levi had never known what family felt like, but he had a sneaking suspicion it was pretty damn close to how he had felt for those four. They were idiots in their own right, but they were amazing soldiers, and even better friends.

This was a dangerous thought pattern to entertain. There was nothing that could be done about it now, and he had always been the type of man who looked towards the future, never the past. A new squad would need to be selected; one that possessed the same skills in battle, had the same drive to protect Eren Jaeger, and whose personalities could mesh together well enough that they wouldn’t try to kill each other during their off time. Mikasa Ackerman was a definite, as well as Armin Arlert. They both were completely dedicated to Eren and would not hesitate to lay their lives down to save him. Additionally, Mikasa was the stronger soldier in her class and Armin was acutely aware of things around him and could strategize under pressure. He had a few others in mind, such as Connie Springer and Sasha Braus, but he would need more than four to ensure the tasks laid before them were carried out appropriately. Given the recent circumstances concerning Annie Leonhardt and her self-imposed containment inside the crystal, there weren’t plans to proceed outside the wall anytime soon. They had taken a crushing blow in the deaths of the original Squad Levi members. The soldiers now needed adequate time to rest, recover, and train again before they attempted another expedition. With the decision to leave Eren in the hands of the Survey Corps, things would also need to be rearranged to ensure their next journey outside the walls was a success instead of yet another defeat. The young man was safe for the moment, but those with the highest level of power could easily change their minds and have Eren turned over to the Military Police. If that were to happen, everyone knew what fate would befall the human-Titan hybrid. A fate such as that would be a huge slap in the faces of those who had died protecting him, and that was something Levi would absolutely not stand for. If Eren Jaeger was going to meet his end, it would either be on the battlefield or from a direct blow delivered by Levi himself. Eren was too dedicated a soldier and too good a person to be sentenced to death because of humanity’s fears.

“Levi? Can I come in?”

“Haven’t you ever heard of knocking?”

Erwin smiled at him from his spot in the now-open doorway, casting his glance at the half-empty bottle of brandy and the full tumbler that sat on Levi’s desk before he opened his mouth to answer.

“I did knock. Three times, actually. Isn’t it a bit early to be hitting the bottle?”

“Isn’t it your duty to babysit the new soldiers, not the officers?”

Levi’s voice was hard, but there was no malice in his tone, and he reached into his desk and produced a clean glass for Erwin as the man took a seat in the chair on the opposite side of his desk. He filled the glass half-way with the bitter liquid, and there was only the slightest hint of hesitation on Erwin’s face before he took the glass and brought it to his lips.

“I came to see how you were doing. The newbies can handle themselves for ten minutes.”

Levi paused, his glass half-way to his lips, his grey eyes burning with a sort of electricity that reminded Erwin of an impending storm. Slowly he set his glass down, his eyes narrowing down to slits.

“First off, don’t ever make the assumption that those shit-for-brains can handle themselves. They can barely wipe their own asses half the time, let alone keep from killing each other. The only thing working in their favor is that they’re all too exhausted from fighting Annie and our latest expedition beyond the walls to get into trouble. It would require too much effort.”

Levi paused, bringing the glass back up to his lips and finishing off his drink in two swallows. He set the empty tumbler down, making no attempt to reach for the bottle. For the briefest of moments, something akin to sorrow flashed across his face, but it was gone as quickly as it had appeared and his expression flat-lined once more.

“And second… I’m fine. I’m always fine. You’ve known me long enough to know that.”

Erwin clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, shaking his head a bit before he reached into his breast pocket and produced a letter. Levi’s eyes glanced to the familiar script on the envelope, then back up to Erwin’s face. Slowly he extended his hand, the tips of his fingers brushing against the smooth material before the muscles in his hand spasmed, folding around the letter and gently taking it from Erwin’s gentle grip. The taller man finished off his drink and stood, circling the desk and laying a firm hand on Levi’s shoulder.

“Come to dinner when you’re ready. I’ll make sure we save you some food.”

His hand patted Levi’s shoulder before removing itself, its owner turning towards the door without another word. Levi watched him go, waiting until he heard the click of the door closing before he turned his attention back to the letter in his hand. He snorted softly through his nose as his eyes immediately recognized Petra’s handwriting. It had always been impeccably neat, even to the point of being impressive to him.

Pouring himself another glass of brandy, he flipped the letter over and pushed his finger under the seal, carefully tearing it open to expose the single sheet to his view.

She hadn’t written much, nor had she dated the letter. Most likely Erwin had held onto it for however long it had been since she completed it, which accounted for it being in pristine condition. It couldn’t be that old, because he caught Eren’s name halfway down the page out of the corner of his eye. Petra had always been a woman who said what she needed to say in the moment, which was something he had admired about her, so to know she had something that could only be said in the event of her death was surprising.

_Levi,_

_Forgive the casual opening of this letter, but given the circumstances under which you are reading this, I’m sure that’s the last thought on your mind. I know you’ve never expected anything but the best we can all do, regardless of mistakes or imperfections, but I’m sure my death has come as a shock and a great pain to you. I feel I must apologize for that._

_Do you remember our one night together? I’m sure you do, because I remember it with striking clarity, and you have always had a memory that rivals my own._

_There is only one thing about that night I need to recant to you_ _, because even though I’m sure you remember it, it’s a prelude to what needs to be said next. I told you that I loved you, and you said nothing in reply. And I need to thank you for saying nothing, because I knew in that moment that you didn’t share my feelings. I need to thank you for being honest, but not in your usually-blunt way. You were honest without crushing my heart in the process._

Here Levi took pause, setting the letter down and taking a long, slow sip from his brandy. How could he forget that night? It was probably the closest he had ever come to experiencing sensations of regret and guilt. It had taken place after an expedition in which they had lost nearly half their squad, a night in which he had drank himself nearly sick and one thing had become another. Then another. Then yet another, until suddenly they were there, together, sharing his bed, and he was inside her. Suddenly she was whispering that she loved him, and he was suddenly sober and horrified at what he had done, what he had still been doing. But it had felt so fucking good that he couldn’t bring himself to stop, and he sure the Hell couldn’t bring himself to look at her. In times of war and chaos, there was so little to cling on to that couldn’t destroy a man. Petra was always there, always constant, the closest to someone he could stand on a consistent basis. He had cared for all of them, of course, but she was special. There was something about her that was love, but not the kind of love she had been seeking.

He could only be thankful that it hadn’t been awkward after that. He had awoken alone save for a raging headache, and when he had finally shown his face at dinner, she had smiled at him as though nothing had ever happened in the first place and offered to make him a cup of tea. As far as he could surmise, it was a secret between them that was now his to harbor, a dark night that was the result of loneliness and unspoken grief that she had taken with her to her death.

Levi inhaled through his nose and out through his mouth, forcing the lump in his throat down with another long swig of brandy, this time from the bottle. If the Titans weren’t the death of him, brandy may very well be at the rate he was going. Setting the bottle down, he picked the letter back up and continued reading.

_Funny thing about you, Levi… you’re deceptively easy to read, if one pays attention. You show nothing, and in turn you show everything. Since that night I’ve always comforted myself with the idea that you would never cast your gaze upon anyone the way I wanted you to cast it upon me. It was a relief, no matter how selfish of me to feel such a thing, that your rejection wasn't personal but simply a product of who you are. I always felt you deserved better than to be alone, Levi._

_And then Eren Jaeger showed up._

_You changed, Levi. In subtle ways that no one else would catch. There’s something in the way you stare at him. The way you talk to him. The way you try to protect him. Your words are harsher with him than with anyone else I’ve ever heard you speak to, but they’re full of unspoken fear. You’re afraid of losing him, even if you won’t admit it to yourself. He’s someone worth giving a chance, if only because he’s someone you fear losing._

_I loved you in life, and I promise you I will love you in death. But I’m not who you needed. Eren, on the other hand, is exactly what you need. He’s young, reckless, impulsive, emotional, and stubborn. He frustrates you, and you know that. He looks at you like you’re his salvation. Not humanity’s salvation, but **his** salvation. And, Levi, when you look at him… when you really **look** at him… the storm in your eyes calms. If that’s not rapture, I don’t know what is._

_I’ll miss you. But I won’t be alone here. Every comrade we’ve lost, every human we’ve been unable to save, will be here with me. So don’t linger on my death. Don’t agonize on it, either. Live your life, because human lives are fragile and time is fleeting. And make sure to say what you need to say, before your only option is to say it in a letter._

_Until we meet again,_

_Petra_

* * *

It was dark outside when he awoke. Moonlight streamed in through the open window along with a gentle breeze and delicate shadows cast themselves across the walls, shapely and curved like a woman’s hips. Levi lifted his head from the desk, his thoughts sluggish and fuzzy and his head heavy with the remnants of too much liquor. There was a quiet throbbing at the back of his skull that promised to become something more very soon, and he groaned softly as he brushed his hair from his face and lifted himself up into a sitting position so he could pop his spine back into alignment.

‘… dinner. I really should go get some dinner.’

It was harder than it should have been to motivate himself. He started off by carefully putting away Petra’s letter, folding it exactly as she had and slipping it back into its envelope before tucking it away in the right hand drawer of his desk, towards the back so it wouldn’t be easily noticed. He placed the palms of his hands on his desk, hoisting himself to his feet and being mindful of his ankle. It was only a few days into healing, and with the exertion he had placed on it extracting Eren from his Titan form not forty-eight hours prior, it was far more tender than it should be.

The castle was nearly silent as he made his way down the stairs, and the dining hall was completely deserted when he opened the door. He hobbled his way to the kitchen, quickly locating a plate of food on the counter with a tea cup placed next to it. Snorting softly, Levi put a kettle of water on to boil and added tea leaves to his empty cup, leaning the bulk of his weight against the counter and crossing his arms over his chest.

‘… his salvation… what the fuck was she going on about…?’

After finishing Petra’s letter, Levi had decided that another glass of brandy sounded excellent. In fact, skipping the glass and going straight for the bottle was quicker and far more convenient and cut out the tedious task of transferring the amber liquid from one container to another. At some point, right around the time when he was struggling to suck the last few drops out that were clinging to the inside of the bottle, his mind had been just inebriated enough to allow him to actually contemplate her words with some measure of seriousness.

Eren Jaeger. Eren Fucking Jaeger. That little shithead, that fucking fucker who flittered back and forth between acting like the perfectly-whipped dog and the most insubordinate little bastard Levi had ever met. That kid that invoked so much anger inside him that it was actually frightening, because while Levi was a bitter and angry person, his anger was always directed at life and never at people. Eren rattled him in ways he didn’t understand. Eren was precious to him in ways that scared him. He had vowed to protect humanity above all else, yet he was no longer sure he could deliver the killing blow to Eren, in the event he lost control of his Titan form.

Fucking salvation, indeed. 

When the tea kettle whistled, Levi forced himself to come out of his own head long enough to pour the steaming liquid into his cup. Taking the plate in one hand and the cup in the other, he made his way to his usual table, pulling up one of the benches to brace his ankle on before he sank down into his spot with a quiet sigh.

He was just getting too damned old to be doing this anymore. To be thinking, to be feeling, to be fighting. Too God-damned old for all of it.

Any hunger he may have felt upon awakening from his impromptu nap seemed to have vanished, and he picked at his food for approximately thirty seconds before pushing the plate away in favor of his cup of tea instead. The hot liquid seemed to soothe away at least a little of the headache throbbing at his temples, and he took another long sip and sighed softly. The dining hall was certainly quiet with only one, and that silence was intensified by the fact that the only inhabitant was someone who kept his thoughts entirely to himself.

Slowly, as though he were waking up from some kind of dream, Levi became aware of the low hum of voices. The silence was broken by what sounded like bickering, though it was too far away and the walls were too thick for him to be sure. If it was arguing, it was almost guaranteed that Jean was at the core of it. That kid could find a way to bicker with a brick wall, and it was way the Hell too late at night for him or anyone else to be stirring up trouble.

‘Way to do your fucking job, Erwin. You’re one of humanity’s last hopes, yet you can’t keep control of a couple of hormonal little teenagers.’

Finishing off the last sip of his tea, Levi rose once again to his feet, discarding his uneaten meal in the trash. He set the dishes aside for washing, cleaned his hands off, and made his way into the cool night air. Within moments he was able to identify the general location of the commotion, and he turned his steps towards the garden just beyond the horse stables.

“Fuck off, Jaeger! There’s nothing wrong with me putting it there!”

“It’s wrong because that spot is already reserved! I’ve told you that twice, you damned horse-faced bastard! You can put it anywhere else, just not there!”

“Marco would have _liked_ it there!”

Other voices joined in the throng, both female and male, and when Levi turned the corner and stared through the dark at where a few faint lamplights illuminated the large plot of earth, he was able to immediately observe that there were more people out here than he had original anticipated. He recognized Connie and Sasha as the holders of the lanterns, and it wasn’t hard to pick out the red of Mikasa’s scarf and the bright honey-wheat of Armin’s hair. There were a few others, but he couldn’t recall their names off the top of his head. Standing facing each other, enclosed in the small circle the teenagers formed around them, were none other than Jean and Eren. Jean held something small and unrecognizable in his hands, cradling the object as though it were made of glass and the slightest breeze would knock it from his hands and destroy it instantly. Eren held an object that was nearly identical in his own hands, and the look on his face was adamant in a way that made Levi’s heart jerk and then throb roughly against his ribcage. It was an expression of anger that masked grief, and for a moment his thoughts left him and all he could process was that he wanted to wipe that horrible look from Eren’s face. Then Jean spoke again, his own voice charged with emotion, and Levi came slamming back into reality.

“Who’s to say he’ll even put it there?! Assuming, of course, that he’s interested in doing this at all! You haven’t even asked him yet!”

Some of the anger left Eren’s face, replaced by something unidentifiable, and his gaze drifted down to the object in his hand, twirling it back and forth idly.

“… at least give him the chance to decide that for himself. He’s lost more than any of us. I think he deserves to pick Her spot first.”

“What the Hell are you shitty brats doing out here so late? You’re way past your curfew.”

It never failed to amuse him, the way they reacted when they were caught doing something wrong. Connie’s entire body went tense, Sasha shoved what could only be a potato into her pocket, Armin jumped about ten feet in the air and squeaked like a girl, and Jean and Eren immediately whipped their heads towards the sound of his voice. Only Mikasa seemed unfazed, her gaze drifting towards Levi briefly before returning to Eren and Jean.

“Well? Is anyone going to give me an answer? I don’t appreciate disobedient children who… ”

He walked towards them with slow, measured steps, both to show he was serious and to avoid inflicting any further pain on his damaged ankle. Connie and Sasha immediately parted to let him through, but it was an unneeded effort. The moment he was close enough to see what their lamplights were illuminating he was suddenly frozen, rooted to his spot as his eyes took in the sight of countless tiny wooden crosses, jutting from the earth as though they belonged and had always simply been there.

“… what is this?”

His voice was carefully guarded, but not angry, and everyone’s gaze shifted to Eren. The boy looked much like a child caught in the path of a stampeding Titan, and after a long moment of silence he stepped forward, assuming a salute position.

“My apologies, Levi-Heichou. They’re out here because of me. We lost so many people in the last expedition, and it didn’t seem proper to me that none of them had a funeral or a headstone, so I enlisted the others to help me change that.”

Of course. Of course this little fucker standing in front of him, trying to act tough while shaking in his fucking boots, would want to build a graveyard for the dead. There were leaders in the capitol that ate like they were kings, and threw away human lives like they were used up chicken bones, and swore until they were blue in the face that they cared when everyone knew they couldn’t give a shit less. There were soldiers in Garrison and the Military Police that claimed they wanted peace and an end to the fighting when in actuality they were in it for the fame and would do everything they could to avoid seeing the battlefield. And then there was the Scouting Corps. The smallest group of the three, full of baby-faced children that were not children at all but adults that were forced to be adults because not a single fucking adult out there would step up to the plate. Those few in this group who were adults had become adults young, just the same as these soldiers had, and had somehow been lucky enough to outlive the odds pitted against them. They carried the weight of unfair expectations of victory on their slender shoulders and bore crushing criticisms when they did not deliver. Their dreams were filled with the same nightmares that haunted their waking hours. Yet here they were, in the middle of the damn night, mere days after yet another difficult battle, their eyes red rimmed from exhaustion and tears and their fingers cramped from constructing small crosses and their hands filthy from tilling the earth by the lantern light. They gave more of a flying fuck than anyone else out there, and Levi didn’t resist the rising tide of pride and agony that bloomed like a dark flower in his chest. He was proud of them. He was God-damned proud of them, and what they were trying to accomplish.

“Who’s that cross for?”

Surprised that he wasn’t being beaten senseless, or at least scolded, Eren glanced down at the small item in his hand. Slowly he extended his hand to Levi, palm up, the cross extending from middle finger to wrist and thumb to mid-palm.

“… it’s for Petra. I was saving it for you. I thought, maybe, her cross would be best buried over by the rose bush. Those were always here favorites. Jean and I… well, Jean wanted to put Marco’s cross there, but I wanted you to have first pick. Sir.”

All the air left his lungs in a rush. It was as though he had been kicked in the stomach. It rendered him speechless as much as it did breathless, and it took several moments before he was able to compose himself. So that was what they had been arguing about. It occurred to him, briefly, that he really should be scolding them for doing this in the middle of the damn night when there would be plenty of time to handle it tomorrow. But, for whatever reason, they hadn’t seen it that way. This needed to be done now, under the cover of darkness, away from prying eyes and scathing comments.

“… Marco always loved the rose bushes too. That’s why I wanted to put his cross there.”

Jean’s voice was soft, and weaker than Levi had ever heard it be before. In that moment, suddenly, he understood. As though it had been there all along, as though it had always been open and on display, but no one had ever bothered to really look. Levi reached out and took the cross from Eren’s hand, tracing his fingers over the wood and the twine that held the two pieces together. He glanced over at Jean, who immediately stood straight and dropped his arms to his sides.

“It’s a large rose bush. There’s room for two. I don’t think they’ll mind sharing space.”

Whatever Jean’s reaction was, Levi didn’t catch it. His gaze was set firmly on Eren’s face, which flickered with sharp shadows in the glow of the lamplights. The boy’s expression was unreadable, but there was an intensity in his eyes that Levi felt was reserved for him and him alone. After what felt like forever, their gazes broke apart and Levi shifted, the soft crunch of earth shifting below his feet the only noise in the night as he moved to the rose bush. Carefully crouching in the dirt, he reached his hand out, dug a small hole, and then placed Petra’s cross in the earth. He sensed more than saw Jean crouch beside him, his own hands tilling the dirt, and for the longest moment they remained side by side, each staring at the last physical representation they had of those they had lost.

Levi finally rose and turned to face the teens, who stared at him in the dim lighting like sheep waiting for the herd dog to round them up and guide them in the right direction.

“If you are finished with your tasks, go to bed. We have much to do tomorrow. For those of you who aren’t finished, handle your business quickly. It’s later than you realize. I expect to see all of you for lunch tomorrow. You’re permitted to skip breakfast.”

No one uttered a single sound in reply. Levi nodded his approval, casting his gaze upon Eren once more.

“I’ll escort you to your room.”

* * *

They left the others behind to do as they pleased, walking side by side until the lamplights were too dim to cast light upon their bodies. When the inky blackness had all but absorbed them, Levi felt the brush of Eren’s fingers against his own. The motion was so slight he almost missed it, would have blamed it on the wind had he not heard Eren swallow heavily at his side the moment they made contact. Immediately he glanced over at his young charge, who suddenly found the wall to be the single most important thing in existence. It was too dark to know for sure, but Levi could have sworn that Eren’s cheeks were flushed bright red.

‘… what the Hell was that all about?’

Levi didn’t like the way the brief contact had made him feel. He didn’t like the riptide of emotions that surged in his chest, or the way they washed over him and suddenly his body tingled and his heart began to race. He didn’t like that he couldn’t identify them by name, and he sure the Hell didn’t like that they were taking up so much of his focus.

The toe of his boot caught an uneven stone in the road and a flare of hot agony ricocheted up his leg, causing him to curse loudly and stumble in his gait. Before he could blink there was a pair of arms around his waist, preventing him from collapsing as his leg trembled in pain and his knee buckled.

“Are you alright, Heichou?”

Eren’s voice was a whisper against his ear, and Levi’s face grew hot in embarrassment. He floundered for a moment in the boy’s arms, finally getting both his legs under him and nearly tearing himself from Eren’s embrace.

“Fine. I’m fine.”

If Levi’s brisk and almost snappish reply bothered Eren, he didn’t show it. The boy merely folded his arms in front of himself and continued walking, slowing down his pace as Levi limped along at his side. They made their way at a snail’s pace down the dungeon stairs, and by the time Eren was settled in his bed and Levi was ready to lock the cell door, the older man was more exhausted that he could remember being in a long time.

“… Levi-Heichou?”

“Yes?”

“Are you alright?”

He had been waiting for this question. It was almost relieving, in that way in which a person finally seeks treatment after hiding an injury that needs lancing or cauterizing until the pain becomes overwhelmingly unbearable. It was a release of infection and poison, a bleeding out of the toxins to let the fresh blood flow and heal.

“… no. I’m not alright. But I will be. They wouldn’t want us to blame ourselves. They wouldn’t want us to hate ourselves. They fought bravely, and they died bravely. Being consumed by grief would be throwing that sacrifice back in their faces. I harbor no guilt that they died following my lead. And you shouldn’t harbor any guilt that they died protecting you.”

In the dim lighting of the dungeon, Levi just barely caught the tears that welled up in Eren’s eyes and began a slow descent down his cheeks. While he had been expecting this reaction eventually, seeing Eren cry reminded the older man of how painfully inept he was at comforting another person. He had always operated as a soldier when it came to things like this, and soldiers picked up and moved on without expressing their grief. If they were to mourn, it was through declarations of revenge and drowning their feelings in liquor. If there were tears, they came during sleep, and morning would bring no memory that they had ever been there in the first place.

But Eren was different. He always had been. He did not grieve like a soldier. He grieved, instead, like a child. Like a human. He lashed together sticks with twine to compliment a graveyard with no bodies and saved a special place for the person he thought was most important in Levi’s heart. His tears were holy water, and his anguish was salvation. Levi both admired and envied him for that.

Being a Heichoi was not always about giving orders. Levi knew that. It was also about making sure they had clothing on their backs, food in their stomachs, and roofs over their heads. It was also about making sure they had a hand to hold when they grieved, no matter how awkward that may be for him. Because when it came down to it, that grief wasn’t about him, but about them. He would never begrudge them that.

Eren’s hand was warm in his own as Levi gently took hold of it. He sat himself on the edge of the bed, saying nothing when the boy rolled onto his side and pressed his face into Levi’s pant leg, the material quickly becoming saturated with tears. Eren clutched the older man’s hand as though it was his lifeline, as though letting go would leave him adrift in a sea of misery.

Levi wasn’t sure what time it was when Eren’s sobs finally tapered off into hiccups that shook his entire body. His pant leg was soaked and his fingers ached from the boy’s tight grip, but he found he didn’t mind the minor discomforts as much as he thought he would. Eren’s facial features appeared more relaxed than they had for days, and that made Levi himself feel just a little lighter. He carefully disengaged his hand from Eren’s, trying to ignore the sensation of loss that came with breaking the contact as he reached down and retrieved the covers at the foot of the bed. Pulling them over Eren’s lax body, he idly smoothed the wrinkles out before directing his attention to the boy.

“Get some sleep. I’ll come get you for breakfast.”

“… is it okay if I sleep until lunch?”

Truth be told, Levi was thankful he had asked. He would never admit to it, but the older man was looking forward to the prospect of sleeping in himself. It was a luxury he afforded himself very rarely, but his injured leg, coupled with recent events, deemed now was the time to indulge. So long as he didn’t focus on the fact that the regiment’s daily cleaning duty would have to be neglected, he could keep himself from feeling guilty about it.

“That’s fine. Just don’t make a habit of it, brat. There’s still a lot of things that need to be done around here.”

Eren smiled weakly, and Levi’s stomach did a cartwheel in reply.

“Can I make your tea at lunch tomorrow?”

His tea. Petra always made him his tea. It had been a habit she had picked up shortly after joining the Survey Corps, and while it had annoyed him at first, it had become commonplace in their daily routines. It had felt strange, over the last few days, to make his tea himself. It hadn’t tasted the same. It wasn’t hot enough, or it was too hot, or it was too strong or too weak. His tea was a constant reminder that she wasn’t there anymore, that none of them were there anymore.

_I’m not who you needed. Eren, on the other hand, is exactly what you need._

Salvation, huh?

Levi sighed and clicked his tongue to the roof of his mouth.

“Sure. I’ll let you give it a try. But if it tastes like shit, you’re getting extra chores.”

If Eren had heard his comment, it was in the brief moment before falling asleep. By the time Levi had directed his gaze towards his charge in expectation of an answer, Eren’s eyes were closed and his breathing had deepened and evened out. Levi grunted and shook his head, even as he found that it was difficult to tear his gaze from Eren’s peaceful face. He hobbled his way out of the cell, shutting the door and locking it behind himself.

“Whatever. Goodnight, brat.”

* * *

*TBC*

 

 


End file.
